• J.


Updated: Mar 21

I hardly knew, and still don’t know, where to begin writing here. And if I am honest, I would rather my existence shudder up into a crumpled paper ball, to be taken up by the wind to some unknown destination, than to start an introduction. Whether it was writing the beginning for essays, forming a hook for stories, introducing myself, or simply, saying the right answer to a question. I dreaded it.

Side-story to my previous statement—

It was months ago, probably a year ago, when I was volunteered without my knowledge to the stage, to join others who were going to answer various questions. Now, everyone who knows me, knows that I don’t enjoy public speaking. So my heart literally plummeted into my gut and the tears nearly formed. Without a choice, really, because even though I could have easily said no, I was still fearing being on that stage to talk, I went up. Luckily, I was the second to last, so it gave me enough time to practice my words. It was simple, I told myself. I would say these exact words and nothing else. I got this right? The microphone got to me and it was go time. My moment to shine. I took that microphone with confidence, or what I thought was confidence, and said “Good morning church” with a shaky pride. The congregation began laughing. Why? Because it was evening.

It was a whirlwind to get this post going, I have not yet been able to reel my thoughts into a coherent line or even grasp fully the edges of this sudden, big decision of mine. A religiously introverted, writing fanatic make a blog? It seemed like an irony.

Truth is, I did not realize both the horror and the glee of making this. Life doesn’t entirely come with a definite “how-to guide” or a “this is your life here on out” bulletin book. And if I said I wasn’t scared, worried, or hoping that God would snatch me if this wasn’t the right decision—I would be lying.

I had decided one day, three days ago, actually, after nine in the night with a babe, my niece, slumbering peacefully the bed, and still, the rush of this rushes over me. First, with the cold waves of “the hell did I do”, and second, with the hot ripples of a chorale “it is what it is”. But as worried as I am about this new blog, this website, and the future of it all, I have to write. Both this entry and the next ones.

I sat with my laptop, face aflame, trying to think of the best words to say. A nice threaded sentence that will cause your heart to cling more onto this page, one that will make you feel like this is it.

The first things I had written was “Howdy”, “what’s Gucci y‘all!”, and “LET'S GO, BLOG UP N‘ READY”. I realized I needed more than that to keep you, whoever you may be—whether it is a teen looking for relatable posts, a young adult wanting for something that fits them, or someone who’s first response may be “what even is this?” So then, I excused myself, headed for the bathroom, where I splashed a bit of water on my cheeks and willingly let a breath in.

When I returned, I realized from the incomplete sentences and the half-deleted statements, that it didn't entirely matter what I said. And if you are reading still, up to this point, my conclusion is true. All I needed to do is start writing.

So here we are; you, searching for a reason to care, a meaning that will drive you to continue, and me, tugging you on with these simple scratches of words.

Later in the day, the ache of creating this continues, I lost 9 dollars in efforts of trying to get this blog published—now, nine dollars may not be anything, but when you’re a broke college student, who’s meals have consisted of microwaved ramen and cinnamon buns, with sudden salad dish addition in your otherwise carnivore life, losing 9 dollars is a funny tragedy.

And those are nine dollars I will probably not get back. I’m nine dollars more broke. Wonderful, right?

So I hadn’t gotten the website the time I started, I had no domain, no plan for the website, and nine dollars less. And as a broke person, I find it humurous that I have to spend more money to make money.

Try after try. No luck. I still needed a domain, a paying plan, and to stop being broke. I needed to find something to do with myself and now. I thought about what I could do, beginning to throw the idea of a website away, and came up with some ideas. I could start a youtube channel. I thought some more. What would I even say in each video? Everyone had already seemed to be doing everything I think of on youtube. I thought maybe I could start doing tiktoks. I thought some more, figured that wasn't truly my taste. Maybe, even, I could start getting money from surveys. Eight surveys later on 3 different survey websites, I realized that this wouldn't get me far. I went back to thinking about what I could do.

Have you ever been so broke that you're riled up to do anything? You sit upright with your hands clasped in your lap, overgoing the list of your talents. Then come to the conclusion that you may not have any marketable talent? Yeah, that was me.

Nothing that fit came to my head, so I returned to this website idea two days later. While I'm explaining my modern Shakespearean tragedy to my sister, she decided to actually take a look at it. The website looked great to her and she thought it was truly a good idea. I managed to get the domain, the paying plan, and the rest unfolded beautifully with her help. So, this is it, the journey of PagesDeep, the beginning mark of it all. Welcome to those who come, stumble upon this page, and become part of it. I hope you enjoy!


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